Reframing Attention-Seeking Behavior: What is Your Child Really Asking For?
As parents, it’s easy to feel frustrated when your child acts out, especially when the behavior seems like a plea for attention. But what if we reframed these moments? Instead of labeling them as “attention-seeking,” let’s view them as connection-seeking behaviors—a call for us to see, hear, and understand their unspoken needs.
Children don’t always have the words to express what they need, so they communicate through their actions. By looking beyond the behavior to the underlying need, we can offer them the support, safety, and connection they are craving.
Let’s explore three common needs behind attention-seeking behaviors—Connection Seeking, Attunement Seeking, and Attachment Seeking—and how you can respond in helpful, meaningful ways.
1. Connection Seeking: “See me, hear me, accept me”
What this need looks like:
Connection seeking is a child’s way of saying, “I want to feel valued and noticed.” They might be testing your attention to confirm that you care and are present.
Behaviors you might see:
• Interrupting while you’re busy or talking to someone else
• Showing off or doing something silly to grab your focus
• Repeating your name or saying, “Watch me!” over and over
• Pouting or withdrawing if they feel ignored
How to respond:
• Pause and acknowledge them: Even if you’re busy, take a moment to make eye contact and say, “I see you. I’ll be with you in just a minute.”
• Offer quality one-on-one time: Schedule intentional moments to play, talk, or do something your child enjoys together.
• Celebrate them: Let them know you delight in who they are by noticing and praising their efforts, e.g., “I love how creative you’re being with your building blocks!”
2. Attunement Seeking: “Understand me, be curious about me”
What this need looks like:
Attunement seeking is about wanting someone to tune in to their internal world—what they’re feeling, thinking, or struggling with. When kids feel misunderstood, they may act out to get their emotions organized and validated.
Behaviors you might see:
• Meltdowns over seemingly small issues
• Asking endless “why” or “what if” questions
• Clinginess or difficulty transitioning to new activities
• Arguing or challenging limits
How to respond:
• Validate their emotions: Instead of dismissing their feelings, try saying, “It sounds like you’re feeling really upset. That makes sense.”
• Be curious: Ask open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me what’s going on for you right now?” or “What do you wish I understood?”
• Co-regulate: Help them manage big emotions by staying calm, offering physical comfort, or guiding them in deep breathing or grounding techniques.
3. Attachment Seeking: “Protect me, help me feel safe”
What this need looks like:
Attachment seeking often shows up when your child feels extreme distress, fear, or insecurity. They’re looking for reassurance that you are a safe and steady presence, especially during tough times.
Behaviors you might see:
• Tantrums, screaming, or crying without clear cause
• Aggressive behaviors like hitting, biting, or throwing things
• Regressions, like suddenly needing help with tasks they used to do independently
• Fearful clinging, hiding, or refusing to separate from you
How to respond:
• Stay calm and steady: Your calmness signals safety. Try saying, “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
• Help them regulate: Acknowledge their distress while guiding them toward soothing activities, like cuddling, rocking, or wrapping them in a blanket.
• Reassure them: Use comforting words like, “I know it feels really big right now, but we’ll figure this out together.”
• Be patient: Sometimes, children’s distress takes time to subside. Your consistent presence is the reassurance they need.
Looking Beyond Behavior to Build Connection
When we shift from focusing on what our child is doing to why they’re doing it, we uncover powerful opportunities to connect. Whether they’re asking to be seen, understood, or protected, our responses teach them they’re not alone in navigating their emotions and experiences.
By meeting these deeper needs with empathy and curiosity, we help our kids feel safe, valued, and loved—and that’s the foundation of emotional resilience and secure attachment.
Let’s reframe attention-seeking into connection-seeking, one moment at a time. 🌟
